It’s hard to believe that Zach and I have already been living together for a year! 365 days ago I was mostly just excited for the 20 hour road trip from Texas to West Virginia (which mom and I did in two days) to be over and to finally have my own space. I went from home to a college dorm, to the sorority house for three years, and was finally going to have a place that was truly mine. Well, mine and Zach’s, but he’s not extraordinarily opinionated when it comes to decorating our space so I was the captain of that ship.
After two and a half years of dating, sharing a space wasn’t entirely new to us. We’d had a little experience with the nuances of living together but never actually, literally, coexisting the same home that was ours for an extended period of time.
I may play the brave explorer but moving across the country to a new state where I only knew one other person was scary. Texas to West Virginia is a big jump in many ways but at the end of the day I was really looking forward to four true seasons (other than Texas’ seasons of “less hot, hot, hotter, and Satan’s armpit”) and excited to be back with Zach after a year of long distance. I never would have moved to Morgantown if it weren’t for him and it’s been an adventure but I have no regrets.
The funniest part of moving in together was everyone asking me, “Are you nervous about living with a boy?” because 1) I wasn’t at all nervous and 2) Zach is a cleaner person than I am when it comes to apartment tidiness, so they really should have been asking him if he knew what he was getting into. He hasn’t left me yet, so I guess I haven’t been too bad.
After 12 months of living together, there are a few things that I think are most important when considering moving in with a partner. I’m no relationship expert but these were big things I thought a lot about before signing our lease and things I’ve seen friends overlook.
The 4 Questions to Ask Before Moving In with a Partner
1. Are you both on board, 100%?
This may seem obvious, but I’ve seen a lot of friends move in together because they were caught up in playing house, because it seemed like the “right thing to do” after dating for a while, or because one person was pressuring the other. Spoiler alert – these are not great reasons to move in with a partner. If you aren’t both really in it, neither of you will be happy.
Zach graduated college a year before me and once he decided on coming to Morgantown for grad school, we pretty much knew we wanted to stay together; him moving away didn’t really seem like a good enough reason to breakup.
I think we had both been thinking about what would happen after he graduated for a while and when he finally asked if I’d want to move to West Virginia with him it was a no-brainer. This doesn’t mean that’s how it is for every couple or that if you don’t feel that way it isn’t right for you, that’s just how it was for us.
2. Have you talked about marriage?
Whether you want to get married now, later, or never, this is an important conversation to have with your partner before taking the next step. Before you sign that lease or buy a house, you must have this conversation to make sure you’re both on the same page. It’s a lot easier to have this conversation upfront, even if it feels uncomfortable, than to realize you want different things and be stuck living together.
For some people getting married before living together is a must while for others it may be an eventuality or just not a factor. Zach and I both knew we were in it for the long haul but neither of us wanted to run off to the courthouse the next day. Because we talked about these expectations in the beginning, we can openly talk about our future or jokingly plan our wedding without any weird feelings or pressure. You just have to know what’s right for you and your partner.
3. Are you willing to make sacrifices for each other and compromise?
Again, this seems like a relationship given, but some of the little things that may have bothered you before will be 10x more prominent in your relationship. When you move in together, you start to share a life with someone to a much greater extent than before and if neither party is willing to sacrifice or compromise, you’ll be living in a hostile environment.
A great example of this is Zach’s work schedule. He’s always been super dedicated to school and getting where he wants to be in his field but in undergrad that also meant long hours studying (a.k.a. less time with me and more time with the books). Now that we live together, when he has to spend long nights working at the lab for a project or goes away for a weeklong conference, I notice his absence much more than before. When he’s gone, it’s just me in our apartment and that makes a big difference!
My schedule is much more flexible than his so sometimes this means dinner alone at home all week when he spends more time in the lab than at our apartment. But I know what his goals are and I’m willing to sacrifice that time with him so he can do what he needs to do to feel successful and excel in his job. One of the reasons I love him is because he’s so driven and passionate and sometimes long days at work are just part of that. At the same time, he knows I hate it when he’s gone so he’ll make a special effort to plan date nights once the work storm has passed.
4. Have you talked about the money situation?
You knew this had to be on here, right? Money plays a big role in sharing a home and if you aren’t married with a joint bank account, it can be even trickier to figure out.
Have you talked about how you’ll divide rent or who’s gonna pay for the internet and cable? What about groceries? Will you be a “what’s mine is yours” household or will you opt for roommate-dueling-style where you count every grain of rice in your Chinese leftovers to make sure the other doesn’t eat any? Silly example, but these are important things to talk about beforehand to avoid those awkward moments in the checkout line at Walmart.
Before moving into together, I asked a few friends who were already living with their beaus how they do it. Their responses were collectively the most helpful and unhelpful answers because they were all different and none sounded quite right for Zach and me. I realized we would just have to figure out what worked best for us and make adjustments along the way.
In the end I think we all just have to trust our gut and if it feels right, take the leap. You can make all the pros and cons lists you want but if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. And if thinking about living together makes you excited for your future together, go for it! Only you will know what’s best for you and only you can make this decision for yourself. Other people will give you advice (much more advice than you ever wanted) but if you do what makes you happy, everything else will fall into place.
Aimee Lerman says
These are great tips for people considering living together. I read once that even for people who have been living together, marriage changes things, like somehow even though it was okay while living together that one person always got stuck doing the laundry or one person was a workaholic and went to the office every Saturday, once married, the assumptions of what’s okay changes. I think the same thing can happen for people who are dating and living separately but then decide to move in together. Work schedules and personal habits are not always flexible and a change in relationship status can be more significant for one person than the other. As you say, communication is key.