The Secret to Making Long-Distance Relationships Work

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Zach and I are coming up on our five-year anniversary, so I’ve been shamelessly reminiscing over our time together. It’s incredible to think about where we started and where we’re at now – a lot has changed in five years!

We started dating my sophomore year of undergrad, his junior year, and by the time he graduated in 2016 we’d been together for about two years. He was moving to West Virginia for grad school and I, obviously, was staying in Texas to finish my senior year of college.

So we could either break up or do long-distance.

Never in a million years did I think I would end up in a long-distance relationship. Before college I had never met anyone I cared about enough to even toy with the idea and then…I did. It seemed silly to end such a great relationship over something so insignificant as distance. I could do anything for just one year, right?

So we gave it a go.

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For some reason I’ve had it in my mind that long-distance relationships were just a college experience – part of moving through that stage of live. And although I was gladly able to reunite with Zach after graduating, I feel like I still see a lot of people our age either continuing to do the long-distance thing or even just starting.

So, I thought it might be helpful to share the one thing that kept me sane during our time apart for anyone diving into this or struggling with their own long-distance love.  

What’s my big secret to making it work?

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Discuss Expectations

William Shakespear once said, “expectation is the root of all heartache” and let me tell you, he was right. 

I’m a natural day dreamer, planner, fictional scenario creator, so when things don’t go how I expect them to, it takes me a hot minute to adjust. Although I like to think that I’m flexible, my friends and family would probably give me a 2 out of 5 on flexibility (and that’s being generous). I dream up certain expectations and when they aren’t met, I get upset. And I know I’m not the only one here!

Even if we don’t mean to do this, I think it’s something most people struggle with in relationships. 

In long-distance relationships, this comes up in a number of ways:

• What your future looks like after long distance is over
• How often you should talk/text
• How often you expect to visit each other
• Social lives/Free time

Even if these aren’t all things you know ahead of time, it’s important to talk about them before long-distance begins. If you’re thinking you’ll catch up at a weekly skype date but your partner expects you to text them on the hour every hour, you’re likely to drive a bumpy road. 

So how do you really manage expectations?

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Set Boundaries 

I feel like “boundaries” has become a hot word recently, and for good reason. Setting personal boundaries in all aspects of your life can help you excel internally (emotionally) and externally (at work, in relationships, etc.). 

In this case, you can think of your long-distance boundaries as a set of ground rules. They should be ever evolving as your relationship grows and as you and your partner figure out what works best for each of you in your long-distance romance. 

One thing that came up the most for me was how often Zach and I talked. Neither of us have ever been huge texters so we mostly relied on phone calls to connect. However, phone calls take more time and attention than texting, and between my busy schedule as a senior in college and Zach’s even more hectic schedule as a first-year grad student, we initially had trouble finding time. 

After the first few months we worked out a system – I found that I could go three days without talking*; on day three of no/limited communication I start to go a little crazy and by the morning of day four I’ve pretty much gone into full psycho mode. Three days is my boundary.

*I always knew Zach wasn’t intentionally neglecting me, he usually spent more hours at work than at home or with friends, and I knew he still loved me…but that was how it felt sometimes.

The next step here is, of course, communication.

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Communication Is Key

Duh, right? But it can be harder than you think and is often a step that’s overlooked.

I especially struggle with communicating in relationships – I really have to work at being good at it and improving those skills. 

So it wasn’t enough to just realize my 3-day boundary…I had to tell Zach.

Again, this seems obvious but more often than not, when people argue it’s because one party has neglected to spell out their expectations or set the boundaries that they need to feel comfortable and happy. 

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My advice here: be explicit. 

Say what you mean. Don’t beat around the bush and hope your partner will pick up what you’re laying down. 

For me, it was how frequently we talked. For couples within driving distance, it may be how often you/your partner drives in for weekend visits or creating an equitable travel plan. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable with your partner going clubbing when you’re not together or you expect them to send a “good night” text every day. 

Every couple is different so ultimately you just have to figure out what works best for you. And remember that this is a fluid process – nothing needs to be set in stone. Start with some ground rules and once you get into the grove of things evaluate how you both think it’s going, make adjustments, and keep trying new things. 

And remember…

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Comparison is the thief of joy.

Just because something works great for one couple doesn’t mean it’s the solution for you. If you spend more time working with your partner to find happiness together than comparing yourselves to couples around you, you’ll come out of your long-distance time with a stronger relationship than ever. 

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In the end, I really feel like our year apart made us stronger. It forced us to develop our communication skills and pushed us to really understand what we need from each other in this relationship. Obviously, it sucked. No doubt about that. And I was so happy once it was over. But I really believe that if you can make it through long-dinstace, you can make it through almost anything in your relationship.

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If you have been (or are currently) in a long-distance relationship, what’s one thing that helped  you through it? I’d love to hear your tips!

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Posted By: Clara · In: Life